She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I will be naked everywhere
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
