I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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