Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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