Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
