Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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