Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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