this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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