MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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