Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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