ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
