you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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