I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
