I just pynch a tree in the face
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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