I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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