I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's rum buckets o'clock
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
