So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
