at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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