dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
