I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
