wanna go halves on a baby?
no, he came in my armpit
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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