I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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