her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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