i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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