Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
