im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
