He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
