my phone needs a breathalizer
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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