hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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