I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
