I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
