Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
