Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
