the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
