So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
