I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My cat gives me a boner
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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