I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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