Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
