I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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