Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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