Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Congratulations! We have a period
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
