he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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