Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
