i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
