So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
