so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
