I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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