Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
