I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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