im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
