what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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