Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
