Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
