I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
