Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
