I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
