Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
