Soap is not a condiment
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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